Letter 193 The Hague, 14 May 1882
Dear Theo,
If I am to succeed in giving you further insight into what I鈥檝e already written you about, you must understand the root of it. And I must not put my visit to Amsterdam in a better light than it really was. But I begin by begging you not to think me impertinent when I contradict you. And before all this, I must thank you most kindly for the enclosed 50 fr.
It will be no use if I don鈥檛 put it strongly. I would remain silent if you wanted me to give in to you, but I don鈥檛 think you do, and perhaps you yourself will not think it unnatural that some things in life are less developed in you than your business sense, which I fully consider twice as good as mine, and I shall not readily risk telling you this or that is not so. On the contrary, especially when you explain things to me, I often feel you know better than I. But on the other hand, when it comes to love, I am often astonished at the way you think.
For your last letter has given me more food for thought than perhaps you realize. I think my mistake and the real reason for my being refused is this: when one is without money, of course one is of no account, so it was a mistake and shortsightedness on my part to take what Mauve said literally, or to suppose for a moment that Tersteeg would remember that I have had so much trouble already.
At present money is what the right of the strongest used to be. To contradict a person is fatal, and if one does, the reaction is not that the other party is made to reflect, but that one gets a blow with the fist. That is to say, in the form of, 鈥淚 will not buy from him again,鈥?or, 鈥淚 will not help him again.鈥?p style="line-height:25px;text-indent:32px"> This being so, I risk my head when I contradict you, but, Theo, I don鈥檛 know how I could do otherwise; if my head must be cut off, here is my neck. You know the circumstances and know that my life or death depends on your help. But I am between two fires. If I reply to your letter: Yes, Theo, you are right, I will give up Christine, then first I tell a lie in agreeing with you and second, I commit myself to doing a vile thing. If I contradict you and you act like T. and M., it will cost me my head, so to speak.
Well, for heaven鈥檚 sake, off with my head, if that鈥檚 the way it has to be. The other thing is even worse.
So here is a short memorandum, clearly explaining a few things which I think may possibly cause you to withdraw your help. But to conceal them so as not to lose your help seems to me an underhanded thing to do, and I would rather risk the worst. If I succeed in making you understand what I think you don鈥檛 yet understand, then Christine, her child and myself will be safe. And in order to accomplish this, I must risk saying what I am going to say.
To express my feelings for Kee, I said resolutely, 鈥淪he, and no other.鈥?And her 鈥渘o, never never鈥?was not strong enough to make me give her up. I still had hope, and my love remained, notwithstanding this refusal,
which I thought was like a piece of ice that would melt. But I could find no rest. The strain became unbearable because she was always silent and I never received a word in answer.
Then I went to Amsterdam. There they told me, 鈥淲hen you are in the house, Kee leaves it. She answers,
鈥楥ertainly not him,鈥?to your 鈥榮he, and no other鈥? your persistence is disgusting.鈥?p style="line-height:25px;text-indent:32px"> I put my hand in the flame of the lamp and said, 鈥淟et me see her for as long as I can keep my hand in the flame鈥?鈥?no wonder that Tersteeg perhaps noticed my hand afterward.
But I think they blew out the lamp and said, 鈥淵ou will not see her.鈥?p style="line-height:25px;text-indent:32px"> Well, it was too much for me, especially when they spoke of my wanting to coerce her, and I felt that the crushing things they said to me were unanswerable, and that my 鈥渟he, and no other鈥?had been killed.
Then, not at once, but very soon, I felt that love die within me; a void, an infinite void came in its stead.
You know I believe in God, I did not doubt the power of love, but then I felt something like, 鈥淢y God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me,鈥?and everything became a blank. I thought, Have I been deceiving myself?鈥︹