Letter 154 Etten, 7 November 1881 Old boy,
This letter is for you alone, you will keep it to yourself, won鈥檛 you?
I should not be surprised, Theo, if my last letter made a somewhat strange impression on you. But I hope the impression has been such as to give you some idea of the whole situation. I tried to indicate the proportions and planes with long, straight charcoal strokes; when the necessary auxiliary lines have been traced, then we brush off the charcoal with a handkerchief or a wing and begin to draw the more intimate details.
So this letter will be written in a more intimate, less harsh and angular tone than the former.
In the first place I must ask you if it astonishes you at all that there is a love serious and passionate enough not to be chilled even by many 鈥渘ever, no, nevers鈥?
I suppose far from astonishing you, this will seem very natural and reasonable.
For love is something so positive, so strong, so real that it is as impossible for one who loves to take back that feeling as it is to take his own life. If you reply to this by saying, 鈥淏ut there are people who put an end to their own life,鈥?I simply answer, 鈥淚 really do not think I am a man with such inclinations.鈥?p style="line-height:25px;text-indent:32px"> Life has become very dear to me, and I am very glad that I love. My life and my love are one. 鈥淏ut you are faced with a 鈥榥ever, no, never,鈥?鈥?is your reply.
My answer to that is, 鈥淥ld boy, for the present I look upon that 鈥榥ever, no, never鈥?as a block of ice which I press to my heart to thaw.鈥?p style="line-height:25px;text-indent:32px"> To determine which will win, the coldness of that block of ice or the warmth of my heart, that is the delicate question about which I can give no information as yet, and I wish that other people would not talk about it if they can say nothing better than, 鈥淭he ice will not thaw,鈥?鈥淔oolishness鈥?and more such nice insinuations. If I had an iceberg from Greenland or Nova Zembla before me, I do not know how many meters high, thick and wide, then it would be a difficult case, to clasp that colossus and press it to my heart to thaw it.
But as I have never yet seen an ice colossus of such dimensions loom up across my course, I repeat, seeing that she with her 鈥渘ever, no, never鈥?and all is not many meters high and thick and wide, and if I have measured correctly, might easily be clasped, I cannot see the 鈥渇oolishness鈥?of my behaviour. As for me, I press the block of ice 鈥渘ever, no, never鈥?to my heart; I have no other choice, and if I try to make it thaw and disappear 鈥?who can object to that??? What physical science has taught them that ice cannot be thawed is a puzzle to me.
It is very sad that there are so many people who object to it, but I do not intend to get melancholy over it and lose my courage. Far from it.
Let those be melancholy who will. I have had enough of it, and will only be glad as a lark in spring! I will sing no other song but aimer encore! Theo, do you like that 鈥渘ever, no, never鈥? Indeed, I think you don鈥檛.
But there seem to be people who like it and, perhaps unconsciously 鈥?鈥渙f course with the best intentions and for my own good鈥?鈥?they occupy themselves with trying to wrench the ice from my breast; unconsciously they throw more cold water on my ardent love than they are aware.
But I do not think many pails of cold water will be able to cool my love soon, old boy鈥? Do you think it considerate of the family to insinuate that I must be prepared to hear in a short time that she has accepted another, richer suitor; that she has become quite handsome and will no doubt be asked in marriage; that she will take a positive dislike to me if I go further than 鈥渂rother and sister鈥?(that was the utmost limit); that it would be such a pity if 鈥渕eanwhile (!!!) I let a better chance go by (!!!) 鈥︹